When I was 15 years old I was very much in love with my boyfriend (now my husband…and we’re still very much in love!), and as teenagers who are not pure and have little faith sometimes do, we were having sex unprotected without a care of what may happen. I begged my mom to put me on birth control, but she just said, "You are too young for birth control". I was not raised to love and fear the Lord. I didn’t understand why she thought I was too young for sex when her actions said the complete opposite. I was exposed to pornography, adult movies, allowed to date whoever I wanted, go where I wanted without supervision, and so on.
So as you may have guessed, my husband and I were having a good ole time in spite of anything my mom said! About six months or so after we started having sex, I missed my period. I waited a couple of months to buy a pregnancy test just thinking my cycle was off. I thought, “I'm not pregnant, I'm only 15”. For a while, my husband was the only one who knew that I had missed my period, and was probably pregnant, but he was in denial too.
I was very rebellious at this age. I went and got my belly button pierced even though I knew I was probably pregnant. I rode on roller coasters. I had no idea of the dangers of being pregnant and doing those things. I finally confided in a good friend, and she took me to buy a pregnancy test. It was one of those "three in one" deals. I took the first one. Positive. I think my heart probably throbbed the hardest it ever had when I saw that! I took the other two tests. Positive. Positive. I called my husband crying and very scared. He told me it would be alright. He said everything would work out. It was our secret for a while. Then I started getting bigger.
My parents had never really talked to me about these things, so I had no idea I should have been getting prenatal care, and how important that was. I lived in a very small town where everyone knew everyone. I told a couple of other friends and then the gossiping started. I just knew my parents were going to find out without me telling them. My Dad already had his suspicions, because I was gaining weight, and puking every once in a while. My Mom didn't think much of it. I faked my period by just throwing the pads away. I knew I had to tell my parents soon though because everyone else was finding out.
I want to include what happened with our families when we told them in this story so if you find yourself in a hard situation you can prepare for harsh reactions.
My husband was home in Tennessee visiting his family when I knew the time had come for me to tell my parents, so I went at it alone. I told my Dad first. The awfulness that spewed out of his mouth was not something I was really prepared for, although I should have expected it.
"You ruined your life!" "I didn't move from the city for you to be a whore just like your aunts and get pregnant!" "Now you'll have to work a factory job all your life!" "Why isn't he here? Was he too afraid to show up?" "Is he leaving you?"
It went on and on. I burst into tears, and waited for my Mom to come home. I honestly don't remember what she said other than a few curse words. Then she said "Well, we'll have to get you into a doctor". Then, to my disbelief, she said, "Why didn't you just tell me you were having sex?". Umm…I think begging for birth control should have been a clue. I'm sorry to be expressing so much anger in this post, but it is still very hard for me to remember and deal with.
My husband was still pretty much in denial (he was only 19) until we went for our ultrasound, and he saw our baby. His heart melted! He took very good care of me all through my pregnancy. At six months we took a trip to Tennessee to tell his family. His sweet Nanny was the nicest person to me that we told! I was too scared to go inside, because I had never met her. So I waited outside while he and his Dad went and told her. She said "Well why do you have that poor thing sitting outside?". She really took to me, and we are still very close to this day!
Then we had to go tell his stepmom...She did not react well at all. She had been trying to have a baby for around 9 years only to lose one, and still not be pregnant (she now has two sons though). When we told her and showed her our ultrasound pictures, she said they were beautiful, and went in the kitchen and started slamming things. Her family also told us that we had ruined our lives, and asked what we were going to do about it. They recommended abortion. We came back from the visit not sure what we were going to do financially, for living arrangements, and so on.
Through it all, my husband was very good to me. He brought me lunch, rubbed my back, you name it, he did it! I decided to start working part time after school. I worked until I was around 8 months along. I was also in band doing activities that were way too strenuous. My husband asked me not to, but I was stubborn.
I knew something else was bothering him, and he finally told me my parents insurance said they would not pay for the prenatal care and delivery, but would pay for me to have an abortion. Now abortion had run through my mind when I found out I was pregnant, but that was something I just could never do! That was the "easy" way out. Even though I hadn’t yet found the Lord, I still looked at abortion as murder.
So we went on with the pregnancy scraping things together for the baby. I finally went into labor! It was a HARD labor. I labored for over thirty hours puking, shaking; it was traumatizing! Neither one of us thought it would be that way. Neither one of us had a clue about child birth either! My husband joked, "If they showed your labor in sex-ed class, no one would want to be having sex!" Finally the doctors decided to do a C-section, and our first precious baby girl, Victoria Mae, was born!
She was perfect! She looked just like her Daddy! She even lifted her head up on the first day! Everything was going great until the second day when she started acting sick. Because it was wintertime and we were afraid we couldn’t make it to the big hospital in the snow, we went to a small hospital close by. They did an x-ray on her heart and said there was a hole in it. They told us the hole would need to be fixed at a bigger hospital, but that things didn't look very good. It had snowed that night and everything was icy, so a helicopter couldn't come and get her. We had to wait for an ambulance.
It took hours for them to come. By the time they arrived, she was dying. They told us to touch her hand and say goodbye. They said it was important that we do that because it might be the last time we got to see her. We touched her hand told her how much we loved her and we would see her again. She was then rushed to the children's hospital. We just kept thinking, “She will be ok. Nothing bad happens to us. We made it this far.”
Finally, the doctor came out and said, “I’m sorry. It was just too late. We did all we could. She died..." I screamed. My husband fell to his knees. It was the most pain either of us had ever felt. They brought her to us and I lost control. I rocked her and asked everyone to please wake her up. I kept begging the doctor to fix her. My husband finally said to me, “Please Ashley, don't say anymore or they will take you from me.” (Everyone, but him was wanting to put me in a mental ward)
So I didn't say another word, but the silent tears didn’t stop. I was pretty numb for a few days. I would think I heard her crying, but it was just my hope that she was still there. We had her viewing and funeral. There aren’t words to describe the pain of seeing a baby in a casket. I am ashamed and very sorry to say that I cursed God. I was very, very angry. No one told me about God and how he could heal the situation; they just expected me to control myself. We buried our precious baby, and went on with our lives.
It hurts every day. I tell you this story because through all of that pain that we went through, neither of us would ever turned back time. Had we seen the pain coming, we still would not have aborted her. Three days was a lifetime of memories with her. We are now married and have been together for 9 years and we have a beautiful, precious 18 month old baby girl who we love and adore and thank God for every day! She was born healthy, and has done so much for us! Really, God did so much for us! He protected our first baby from many mistakes we made, allowed us to see her, and gave us the fruit of our womb! I pray if you are trying to decide whether or not to have an abortion, you DON'T! Once you hold that precious baby in your arms all the problems will disappear everything will be okay! God is watching, and will take care of you!
1 comment:
Hi Jessica,
This is a much-needed blog!
Well done!
I have added it to my favourites and on my blog's list for others to see.
Much blessing!
Liezel
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